Friday, March 11, 2016

So, You Want To Get Married...

Want to know something amazing? I married the perfect guy. Seriously, for me I did. So, why is that so amazing? Well, it's amazing because I never once, I can honestly say, did I date the type of guy that I wanted to marry. I strongly believe that we can all be happy with multiple people, and different types of people at that. But, I also believe that you can find greater happiness with certain character types more than other character types. And, if you're single, I am here to tell you, you might just want to take a look at what kinds of people you are interested in and have been dating, and re-consider if they would make you happiest. I think that some people have very few facets to their personality, like my husband for example. And having few facets in no way is a bad thing. Having few facets means that no matter who you are around or what circumstances you are under, your character pretty much stays the same. Of course there will be differences in character depending on circumstances, but your general character will stay the same. My husband for example, there really is no "other side" to him. What you see is what you get, which is what I love. I on the other hand, I have so many facets, and those facets can be easily fed. So, depending on who I would date, a different facet would be fed. My creative self would be fed with other creative personality types. My rocker grunge music self would be fed with other grungy personality types. My actively engaged good mormon personality type is fed around others of the same personality type. My humble quiet part of myself could be fed with other similar personality types. My argumentative proud domineering personality facet fed with similar personality get the point. So, I had a lot of choices of who I could be. The main question was, who did I want to be? Twenty years down the road, what facets did I want to become strong characteristics? And, not just who did I want to be, but how did I want my family to be?

Dating is horrible. I hated it. Probably part of that reason is that I always became emotionally involved with and dated people that I never felt right about considering for marriage. I loved them, I cared about them (too much, as usual), I wanted them to be happy, and so I stayed with them even though in all reality I knew I didn't want to marry them and I never felt right about even considering it. My dating while simultaneously trying to figure out what type of person I actually wanted to marry caused a lot of misunderstandings and hurt---as I am sure is the case for most everyone. I will say, though, that I finally was able to realize that I needed to change what type of relationships I sought after, because none of mine seemed to be working out for the long term. I started getting the idea that maybe I was looking at the wrong sorts of guys as I prepared for my mission for my church, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.

Just a week before heading to the missionary training center, from where I would then leave to serve the people of Belem, Brazil, I got engaged to My Man. We hadn't dated at all, and planned our wedding for the end of July. It was May when we got engaged. Needless to say, it was really really fast. But, here we are (almost) five years later, and things are still going good. Not good---GREAT. Why? Why is it going great if we didn't even date and you could say we barely knew each other. I think there is a multitude of reasons, but these are the main ones:
Divine intervention: Seriously. I know it. With how things were going and then the way things worked out, I feel I owe it to Heavenly Father that I got My Man.

We fed the right facets for each other: My Man and I had known each other for quite a few years, we just had never been great friends or dated. I more hung out with his friends he lived with and he more hung out with my best friend I lived with. We had hung out solo a couple of times and knew pretty well of each other. The funny thing is that we both say now, that we never would have gotten married had we dated, because when we were dating we had such a wrong state of mind. Dating is completely different from marriage. My Man wanted a girl he could have fun with all the time who was adventurous, who didn't value money much, and who could stay up really late (haha). I wanted someone who went to bed at nine like I always wanted to, someone who knew what they wanted to do in life, someone who was dominant and proud, someone who loved music and working out, and someone that I could have fun with. What I realized is that guy doesn't exist. Every guy would only have a few of those characteristics. Same with My Man, he could never seem to find a girl who liked to have fun and didn't really value money or set out plans. I would have hated dating him---his reckless business ventures and money spending on hopeful projects, his staying up until two a.m. and then deciding it was a perfect time to go sledding (torture). And, he would have hated dating me---my boring-ness (if you consider not wanting to sled at 2 a.m. boring...), my desire to argue all of the time, etc. When we both felt like we should get married, I felt all of the facets of my character that I wanted to become my character being fed by him. He brought out my humility and patience: i.e. he would stop talking to me if I started arguing too loud and heated. He brought out my faith: i.e. wanting to start businesses when we have no money ;)And he brought back my hopes and dreams of owning animals and being self sufficient and growing our own food, etc...things I had highly valued since I was a child. And I brought out facets of his character that he liked:.....................Okay, so obviously I'm the one who married up hahaha.

The point is this, my entire time dating, I wanted someone who reminded me of my father and all of his loud characteristics---the air he had about him that says to everyone " I am strong, I am smart, I am my own man, I am awesome, and so on. There were two problems with that. One, I never acknowledged that core characteristics of my dad that led the creation of the air.Two, my dad raised be to be like him. My quiet characteristics are of my mother, and my louder ones stem from my dad. Both are good things, as long as they are balanced. Dating a guy like my dad always created clashing. I always argued with the guys I dated, and never felt sure I could really trust them. Which I always felt was weird, because I knew 1 million percent and 1 million times over I could trust my dad had my best at heart.

When I got engaged to My Man and got to know him so closely in those few months we were engaged, my decision was only further confirmed, and he is the reason I was able to realize what those core characteristics were of my father that I had actually been searching for in a man.

Growing up, my dad did everything. He fixed our cars, changed our tires, fixed the leaking ceiling, installed cabinets and toilets and our entire kitchen, tiled our kitchen floor, cleaned up basement floods, mowed the lawn, cut down trees, planted new ones, installed new sinks, fixed the old ones, fixed our washers and dryers, made the money, cooked good food(sometimes), dreamed businesses, fixed our bikes that broke, like I said, everything. The only time I ever remember a guy coming to our house was a carpet installer. That is the only time I remember any guy coming to do something at our house. My dad did all of the rest himself. He loved working with his hands and he was good at it. He loved dreaming, and he was good at it. He loved learning, and he was good at it. Everything my dad decided to do, he did. Hands down, and he was almost always successful. There was a reason he always had that air about himself---he created it. He had always believed in himself, so no one could tell him, "No, you can't." A lot of the guys I dated had the tip of the iceberg, but not everything else beneath it.

My Man has everything beneath the iceberg AND the tip, and he is quiet and humble which balances out my loudness and pride(pride for what, I don't know). He can do anything, and he always has complete and utter belief in himself and what he can do. Getting to know him felt so fresh and normal, I had seen his characteristics so many times throughout my life, that I already felt at home with him. Once I saw those characteristics, I knew God had blessed me when he told me I should stay and marry My Man instead of go on my mission. The whole time I was prepping for my mission was actually a period of change I needed  to go through to be ready for marriage---otherwise My Man and I would have never worked out because I was too crazy (fer real).

So, after telling me story, I just want you to consider,
who have you been dating? Are you sure they are the right type of character you want? Do they feed the facets in you that you want to become your character?

Do you like louder people? Have you ever considered a quiet one?
Do you like funny people? Have you ever considered someone more serious?
Do you like people that have a plan? Have you ever considered someone who might not have one, but twenty different plans?
Do you like people who act tough? Have you ever considered someone who acts humble?
Do you like people who work out? Have you ever considered maybe someone who eats healthy but doesn't work out as much?
Do you want someone with a emotional and creative mind? Have you considered one who is more emotionally stable and who is more logical? (math and science type instead of english and history type...)

These are all things I thought were important in the guy I wanted, and then the characteristics of the man I actually ended up marrying (but he is funny too, not just serious. He's also very creative)

So, my advice to you, single person who is wanting to get married, is to re-consider your "list" for the person you want to marry and also re-consider the "list" that you have for yourself.Make sure you have all the characteristics that create the base of the iceberg, not just the tip, and same with the person you are considering for marriage. Change things up a bit on those lists, and life might end up working out better for you than you had always planned. Because plans are over rated anyways (that's what My Man taught me, and continues to teach me).

***This was written based off of myself and My man. You and your whoever else might be different so apply the same idea but more appropriate to you and that whoever else.

IMPORTANT NOTE: The title of this post, "So, You Want To Get Married" is also the title of a book my dad wrote and published. This book explains five main points you need to deeply consider and talk about with your future spouse if you want to have a successful marriage. These five points help make sure you are both on the same page spiritually, physically, financially, and goal-wise(family and careers). They are also five points to keep in mind even throughout the dating stage. The five points are compared to each finger on your hand, so they make sense and are easy to remember. If you or anyone else you know are looking to get married, read this book, you(and they) won't regret it! So, You Want To Get Married by Nick Sanchez.