Monday, March 28, 2016

After Teaching

After teaching class at church, I come home exhausted and not wanting to be with people. I always wonder why, since I always feel the love of the Savior at church, and especially when I teach. I used to feel like I was depressed when I came home, but depression isn't it. I would more say it is this emotional spiritual exhaustion. I am not scripture master. No gospel master. All I have is my thoughts and experiences and my feelings, and a lot of people would just write those off in today's kind of society, but they are what I hold closest to truth in my mind and life. I hold them right up against my heart, against my soul. They are truth, to me. So instead of scripture and knowledge and gospel doctrine, I just teach with what I have. I wish I could know the scriptures better, and the gospel at its core, and one day I will---line upon line. But, since what I feel and I experience is really the only knowledge I have other than the basic knowledge of the gospel and its teaching, I give my sisters in the gospel all of that. I unload on them. All of my thoughts and feelings. Wrong. Not all of my thoughts and feelings. Probably like 1/3 of them, and it is exhausting. Normally those parts of myself are for people closest to me, and even then, not even them. But, it's my calling so I do it. I feel like within that one hour of teaching, my spirit and emotions have the most intense workout of the week and this insane unload, that by the time I get home, I'm too exhausted to feel anything the rest of the day. I have to soak in what I learned from the lesson and from the class and from the spirit. And then come to terms with everything I have to work on and how much I hate getting in front of people, teaching them about things I suck at and that I struggle with everyday. I wish someone else could do it. And one day, someone else will. But for now, I think I can handle my once a month calling---only because Christ and Heavenly Father want me to.