Friday, February 26, 2016

Tired of Happiness

Being a parent is hard. And sometimes, I feel tired of happiness. I guess not actual happiness itself, but the image of happiness that I have to put on to be considered "happy". I don't know if I will ever actually get tired of happiness. I just feel like I do.

One of the hardest parts of being a parent, I think, is learning patience. You would think that with all of the opportunities that come up in a day to practice patience, we would be pros at it, and yet, there I stand day after day finding myself frustrated and losing my temper, or just too plain tired or bored to show any emotion. I lose my temper with the girlies or My man, and then I tell myself "calm down, reset, there is still a full day." I feel tired but can't lay down, "Reset. Clean to help you feel energized." So many dang resets.

Reset.Reset.Reset. How many times do I have to reset!? The main thing is this, most of the time, I am actually fine. I am just bored of the mundane so a smile and peppiness doesn't come naturally or easily to my face and my voice. But, then my girls feel sad or frustrated because of the vibe I give off. i.e.
"mom, why did Daniel Tiger say that?"
"I don't know mamas. I'm not watching it."
"Mom, just tell me why!"
"I would tell you why if I knew, but I don't."
Now in a frustrated tone, "Mom! Just tell me why Daniel Tiger said that!"
Me in a firmer tone "I have no idea why Daniel Tiger said that because I am not the one watching. You are watching it, so you try to figure out why he said what he said."
"But mom, just tell me why he said that!"
Then I hear sniffling.
"Mom, you made me kind of sad when you didn't want to tell me why Daniel Tiger said that."
Oh myyyyyyy. Yeah.During the time, THERE IS NO SMILE ON MY FACE. I assure you. But, as I write it out, there is. Because she is just so dang funny! I just can't react to it in the same hard moment as I can now. As hard as I try to appreciate it in the moment, and smile and just continue on the conversation or the task or whatever it is, I can't. I get tired of it, and then I tell myself I need to reset. And then, I do. I try again. I be happy again. I smile more, I play more. I clean more. I eat more (because we all know food brings happiness). And then the conversation happens again, but this time about cutting paper or something like that. Then I lose my face, my patience, my tone, the house is a mess for the third time that day, etc. Time to bring it back together again for the "nth" time that day. Time to attempt the chaotic dinner hour because My Man is coming home, and he is tired and it would be nice if I could be the energized nice happy one. Reset. Try. Fail. Reset. Try. Fail. You see the picture because I know you see it everyday too.My question is, do you get tired of putting on your "happiness" too? Can't it just be okay with everyone when you're chillin in neutral, at least? Why do you have to be smiling and have a peppy voice? I think everyone would be a lot happier in life if they were okay with other people just looking normal or neutral faced, and expected that. And yet, when My Man comes home and is happy and energized and nice, it is so nice and I eat it all up and drink it all in and am so grateful for that. I expect the same out of him and my girls that they do out of me. I say I want them to be okay with neutral and normal, but seriously? How can I say that when I can't be? I want to see my girlies smile and talk happily, I want to see My Man play with the girlies and me and have a good time and be helpful and kind like he most of the time is. I get tired of putting on the face of happiness. And honestly,I think I do because I wish I could be awesome at putting it on, but I'm just not. My family can attest to that.Maybe as it becomes easier, I will not be so tired by it.
Vent over.
Bed time.
Reset time.
New day tomorrow.